An Auspiciousless Beginning, but a Happy New Year Anyway!

Hello again, dear readers, and sorry for the delay in posting, which I should call a ‘hiatus’. By this I mean a pause, or a break in service due to extreme circumstances, most of which were called ‘Christmas’.

(‘Hiatus’ is not to be confused, of course, with a ‘hiatus hernia’, or ‘hiatal hernia’ which, as any plumber or shower installer who’s worth his time-and-a-half can tell you, is the protrusion (or herniation) of the upper part of the stomach into the thorax, through a tear or weakness in the diaphragm. This blog is not called ‘Ask Big Malc’ for nothing, you know;-) )

It all kicked off on Boxing Day, appropriately enough, when I walked into our front parlour and proudly told Mrs. Malc, ‘I’m a twit.’ This ‘news’, quite obviously, had come as no surprise to Mrs. Malc, who, with a look of undiluted loathing, went back to her bomb-making. (Only joking!) Undeterred by her shameless demonstration of complete ‘couldn’t-care-lessness’, I soldiered on, as plumbers do. ‘Look here’ I said, sticking the old Blackberry under her hooter. (That’s her nose, FYI US readers. Ed.)

‘Oh, you mean you’re a twitterer?’ she said. (Without looking at me! Gordon Bennett, it gets my goat every time that does! Does your missus do that ‘I-just-can’t-bear-to- look-at-you’ thing too?) Anyway. She goes: ‘so you’ll be perched on your chair tweeting all evening will you? You might as well be a bloody budgie.’

Anyway: in the wrong or in the right, who cares, matrimonially speaking? What would you do, if your missus was like Mine Indoors?

Any road up: it was humble pie that night for me for tea, so you might say my career as an International Twitterer on all things Salamander Shower Pump got off to an auspiciousless beginning.

But it’s the future of advertising, lads, and I’m getting the hang of it now and no mistake. I can RT and hash-tag and all kinds of other stuff that’s peaking and trending! So, why don’t you sign up for a Twitter account, too, and follow me, Big Malc @fromSalamander. That’s me! If there’s anything happens as regards Salamander products, events and what have you, you get the info and links to any back up info there first, plus up-dates whenever I, er, up-date the blog thing, ‘Ask Big Malc’, which you’re reading now, so you already know that bit.

Going to quit while I’m winning. See you on Twitter, bye for now and best wishes for a ‘raking it in’ New Year.

Your mate at Salamander

Big Malc

If You See Captain Leaky, Will You Tell Him?

Hope this latest post finds you well. I’ll be bringing you some important breaking news right here soon. Well, as soon as it all gets signed off by the powers that be and made all officially official, if you see what I mean.

As I’m not sure when that will come to pass, I thought I’d share a couple of gags I found on the Interthingy recently and, while I’m at it, remind you that we’re trying to get in touch with a contributor to several on-line plumbing forums. We like the cut of his jib, so to speak, so if you know him, please ask him to get in touch. Thanks. And Captain Leaky, if youre reading this, thanks for the kind comments, we couldn’t agree more

Ahem. The gags:

A proud father was showing a new neighbour a picture of his five grown sons. The newbie asked what they all did for a living. The father said the older two are doctors and the youngest two are lawyers. The friend asked about the middle son and the father said, “Oh, he installs Salamander shower pumps. Someone had to pay for all the others’ education.’

You have to admit that’s a half decent one, don’t you? Ok, please yourself.

And by the way, what do plumbers and doctors have in common? They both bury their mistakes

And before I go on my tea break, how many plumbers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Well, it takes three: a boss plumber to tell a plumber, a plumber to tell a plumber’s apprentice, a plumber’s apprentice to get his sparky friend to do it as a foreigner. (Yes, I wish, too)

That’s it for now and remember, brother Salamander installer, a good flush beats a full house every time.

Back soon

 

Big Malc.

And Then, There Was London. Eventually…

Leaving the green welly brigade behind in Cheltenham, TK and me pointed the Jag at the smoke and off we trotted. We’d just reached that new service station on the M5 and TK decides he needs a comfort break so we dive in to inspect the porcelain. Mission accomplished, we’re about to wander back to the car when TK decides he wants the morning paper, so hello WH Smith and a good five minutes of queuing, whilst the beleaguered till operator tried to explain to a foreign lady that, howl as she may, her Euros were never going to pay for anything, not at this till. I was watching from a distance as TK mastered his more murderous reflexes and contented himself by muttering ‘merd’ ostentatiously, since he was suspicious that said foreign lady was of the French persuasion.

So flustered was he, in fact, that we decided a calming coffee was the sensible course, so off we went to Costa Lot. Not much of a coffee lover, T.K.: you might say he can’t tell his macciato from his Elbow; he doesn’t much like their latest album either. On this occasion he ordered a skinny latte that took seven minutes to arrive and half an hour to consume.

Which only goes to show how much our days can be affected by the things that go on all around us, doesn’t it? How much of our time is at risk to the whims and caprices of others?

That’s another good reason for switching your shower pumps loyalties in our direction. Our pumps are easy to instal. No faffing around, no fiddling about. In the right hands, bish-bosh and it’s done. And once they’re in, they’re in. They’re reliable, see? No annoying trips to disgruntled customers to fix something, because nothing needs fixing.

You might still end up making an unscheduled stop that ended up putting you the best part of an hour behind schedule, hungry and tired, but if you save all the time you can by installing the right pump brand, then the wasted time will  hardly matter, will it?

A Question

A student who’d turned up at Wembley on a fact-finding mission asked me to explain the differences between a regenerative pump and a centrifugal pump, which I thought was a good question and one to cover here. Regenerative pumps tend to be slightly noisier than centrifugal ones and generally speaking they don’t produce the same water volume or maintain the same pressure as a centrifugal alternative with the same bar. Centrifugal pumps tend to more efficient energy users and deliver higher volumes at higher bar for longer. So now you know.

Today’s TK Top Tip

If you can possibly avoid it, never, ever go to a motorway services with Big Malc. You’ve never met a grumpier piece of work!

Plumbing Joke

My G.P. called me out in the middle of the night because one of his toilets was blocked. He insisted that it was urgent and that I went round right away. When I got there, I lifted the toilet lid, threw in a couple of aspirins, and said ‘‘if it’s still there in the morning, give us another ring…’

That’s all for now and remember, what happens on tour stays on tour!

Fit for work?

Let Salamander help out with your training schedule

If any other company in our industry puts more into training than we do, let them speak now or forever hold their peace… Training at Salamander is down to me, and you can bet that I take it very seriously. For starters, take a look at my picture.

Me, taken at The Reebok recently

Now, doesn’t that face say ‘serious’ to you? And if I look like I’ve been in the business for years, that’s because I have It’s said that there’s no man living who knows more about Salamander Pumps than I do, but I don’t know about that. What I will say is that, over the years, I’ve probably been face to face with every conceivable shower pump situation and I can offer you tips and tricks of the trade as well as more formal training. As you’d expect, I’m happy to create and deliver  bespoke training packages to installers, merchants and showroom staff all over the UK, and at our Sunderland Head Office.

On top of that, so far as I know, only Salamander is involved in the education of tomorrow’s plumbers. We spend a lot of time in Further Education establishments spreading the word on how to work ‘safe and smart’.

Best of all, there’s no charge: just think of it as ‘part of the service’

For more information, or to arrange your own bespoke training session, just give the office a ring on 0191 516 2002

See you soon, then?

Big Malc.

If you know our prizewinners, can you tell them they’re here please?

Here I am, cap in hand, asking for help. Its all about our the winners of our quarterly prize draw…

A few prize specimens for you…

We wouldn’t blame you if you thought our monthly prize draw was nothing more than a figment of our imagination: up to now, we’ve been good at getting you to enter but not quite so good at telling you who won. So, we’re putting that right now. And to those of you who suspected there was no prize at all, and that the quarterly draw was nothing more than a cynical device for data capture, we say, ‘how very dare you’.

Can you help me out? By way of an experiment really; if you know and of the guys pictured here, can you let them know we’ve made them stars? Maybe you use the same supplier, or you’re a former colleague / employee; maybe you just know a plumber in the winner’s neck of the woods who you can forward this to? It’d be interesting to find out how far (and how fast!) my words of wisdom can travel. Thanks.

Here they are, then, our recent prize-winners, complete with the spoils of victory…

Andy Cottey

This One's Mine! Andy Cottey's Force 20PT is destined for his place...

Andy Cottey lives in Chard, Somerset and uses Plumb Center in Yeovil for most of his supplies. He’s not a shower pump user as a rule as he majors on central heating. Fitting it at home eh, Andy? Let me know how the installation went and how the pump’s been preforming, will you Andy? And if you know Andy, will you ask him to get in touch via the blog. Thanks.

Sean Feeny

Sean spent hours looking for the best location for his photo shoot... Not!

This is a fellow by the name of Sean Feeny.And that is all I know. And who is the bloke in the foreground for heaven’s sake? If anybody out there can tell me anything about the fortunate Mr. Feeny, or who the by-stander is, I’d appreciate it.

Phil Bedwell

Not sure if Phil's just been given the pump or he's taking it for a walk

Phil’s firm is H & B Plumbing and Heating, Rodborough near Stroud. Phil’s  Salamander pump of choice is the CT50, he usually picks them up from Plumb Center or Dougfield in Stroud. He’s a bit of a party pooper though.’I  had a job lined up to use the pump in’ he told our VIP courier, ‘but unfortunately the client has just passed away.’ Amazing. Do you know, there are people dying now that have never died before…

Mr. Botenne

Another happy winner!

Before the compaints begin, this chap’s not getting special treatment when I call him ‘Mister.’ He’s Mr. because I don’t know his surname. I do know that he comes from West London. So, who knows him? Who can put us in touch? I’m relying on you!

At last, we’re done. In future, we’ll post our winners pics as soon as we have them. With a bit of luck, obviously.

Cheers for now

Big Malc

The Force IS With Us…

Salamander Force: It’s the brass-ended range you’ve been asking us for

Yes I know, I’ve got behind on my Renewables Roadshow Diary. More of that when Mrs. Malc goes up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire and I can get my creative juices flowing, as it were.

Meanwhile, I’ve been asked to convey to my loyal army of readers some serious stuff, for once. We’ve only gone and launched a range of brass ended shower pumps, haven’t we? And do you know what? It’s the proper dog’s whatsits.

Our customers – you lot -  have long-since seen Salamander as the force in the UK and Ireland shower pump market. After all, you’re not daft. So it’s only natural that our brand new, brass ended range, ‘Salamander Force’, has had a really warm welcome.

I bet you a rolling doughnut to a flying fish that you had no idea that brass-ended shower pumps account for around 25% of the market did you?  Salamander Force raises the bar for the entire category, setting new standards for ease of installation, value and quietness of operation. It says that on the notes Chris  (Vallance, our Sales and Marketing Director) gave me, but as one who gets his hands dirty (that’s yours truly, BTW, in case you had any doubt) I’ve been all over this range like a rash and as far as I’m concerned, Force raises the bar for the entire category, setting new standards for ease of installation, value and quietness of operation. You may have heard that before, but I reckon you’ll be saying it yourself, just as soon as you’ve installed one.

Salamander Force ticks all the boxes: the new pumps are available single or twin brass-ended and for positive or negative head situations. There are three ranges with 10 models, Force 15 for boosting single shower performance to 1.5 bar, Force 20 for more powerful 2 bar performance and Force 30 developing 3 bar pressure, which is the ideal choice for the most powerful multi-function showers and for multiple shower outlets.

Chris goes on about it all the time: ‘we’ve delivered an impressive range of brass ended shower pumps to market ’ he said, apropos of nothing, ‘and we believe they offer the best value on the market but not only that: the whole range of Force pumps operates at under 60 dB, so it’s as quiet as you can get from a brass ended shower pump’. So there. You read it here first.

Salamander Force brass-ended shower pumps. They’re in stock now, and they’re definitely worth a look-see. Download the range brochure here.

So that’s the boss off my back then.

More from the road trip soon, Mrs Malc willing.

 

A Posh Bloke Gets Us Into Hot Water

Being the adventures of Big Malc and T.K., from Salamander Pumps, as they take part in  the Renewables Roadshow

Day Three

And so, to Cheltenham. Ah, Cheltenham: England’s most complete Regency town. ‘Regency town houses, characterised by their intricate ironwork balconies and painted stucco facades, line the historic Promenade, squares and terraces. With its award-winning gardens, impressive range of stylish shops and restaurants, and its festivals of horse racing, music and literature…’

You’d expect it to have better plumbing.

And with its generous helping of lentil chewing, Fairisle jumpered, Guardian reading sophisticates you’d have good reason to suspect there’d be a decent turnout for a Renewables Roadshow in Cheltenham…

Unfortunately, you’d be wrong. Even though we’re in the impressive Centaur Auditorium down the racetrack, the show didn’t get too many visitors. So me and TK had time to catch up on some important work related issues. Instead, we did the crossword. (Only joking).

You do get a better class of tradesmen round here, though. It’s all Hunter wellies and Harris Tweed hi-vis jackets for these Cotswold boys, with a deerstalker where a hard hat should be. Be that as it may, they encounter the same problems as us poor people do. One chap, with mutton chop whiskers and Rohan trousers covered in Golden Retriever hair, says to me…

A Question

‘I say, Big Malc, what devilishly cunning tricks of the trade can you impart?’ Well, the number of shower pumps that are damaged by people exposing them to excessive hot water gets my goat every time, and TK’s too: It was too good an opportunity to miss…

Today’s Top TK Tip

Whatever you do, protect your shower pump against extreme temperature. When water that’s excessively hot – that is above 65 degrees – comes into contact with the shower pump valve, it can damage the pump. The seals we use on our pumps are good to 70 degrees, but – are you hearing this loud and clear? – keep it to 65 or less. Remember: the water at the top of the tank will be hotter than the stuff that’s two-thirds of the way down where the sensor is!  You have been warned!!!

Don’t You Know There’s An Offer On?

It has come to my attention that there are still plumbers out there that haven’t heard that you can get a £30 cashback on our new brass ended Force pumps, This is totally out of order. I want to apologise on behalf of the company for not making sure we got through to you with this never-to-be-repeated, one-off, license-to-print-money offer. There’s still time to take advantage – up to the end of September, as it goes – but, for those of you only now finding out, I bring you Jim Bowen from the oche: ‘Let’s see what you could have won.’ It doesn’t bear thinking about, does it?

Plumbing Jokes

No, I’m not about to have a go at the competition! Since the days are getting colder, damper and shorter I reckon the least we can do is bring you a laugh. So, for as long as we can find them on the interweb or pinch them from blokes in the pub, we’ll publish a plumbing joke. We can’t say fairer than that now, can we? Here goes:

A plumber dies in a car crash on his fortieth birthday and finds himself greeted at the pearly gates by a brass band. Then Saint Peter comes running over, gives the plumber’s hand a good old shake and says ‘Congratulations.’
‘Congratulations for what?” says the plumber
‘We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old, silly!’ says St. Peter.
‘Leave it out’, says the plumber, ‘I only lived to be forty.’
‘Don’t be so modest’, says Saint Peter, ‘we added up your time sheets!’

What do you think lads? Yes, no… maybe? Let us know and if you’ve got a better one, let’s have it (but keep it clean, OK?)

A Not Bad Day

Well then, that was Cheltenham.

Next time out, the stakes are raised, as T.K. and yours truly Big Malc tread the hallowed acres of Wembley Stadium. We’re pointing The Jag towards The Smoke, if we don’t see you there, catch up with us with our next post, coming soon

And don’t forget, gentlemen, what happens on tour, stays on tour.

Bye for now

Big Malc (& T.K.)

On Twitter? Follow us, we’ll follow you!

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Sent To Coventry

Being the adventures of Big Malc and T.K., from Salamander Pumps, as they take part in  the Renewables Roadshow

Day Two – Eve

Bit of a hairy moment last night. A bloke in a Bolton Wanderers away top asked me if I wanted to try some Lancashire growler. I was about to do a red-top retreat – make my excuses and leave – when a fellow southerner, sensing my discomfort, told me that in these parts a growler is in fact a pie. As in, ‘ey up chuck, fancy a meat and tater growler?’

You live and learn.

On the road today, heading for the Ricoh stadium. Cruising along in TK’s Jag, with Radio 2 sending me to sleep (TK Knows about pumps but he was at the back of the cue when ‘musical appreciation’ was handed out) it suddenly occurred to me that we’d had no contact from the office. Or from customers: or, in fact, from anyone. I pointed this out to TK and, quick as a flash, he said ‘that’s because we’ve been sent to ‘Coventry’. He laughed: he always laughs at his own jokes. But he had aroused my curiosity, so I get out the old Blackberry and I hit Wikepedia and I discover that being ‘sent to Coventry’, that is, ‘ostracized’, goes right back to the English Civil War.

I thought I’d impress TK. ‘Do you know’, I lied, ‘that I’ve been reading this book called The History of the Rebellion and Civil Wars in England, by Edward Hyde, 1st Earl of Clarendon.’

‘Oh yes?’ said TK annoyed that I’d spoken over a question on Ken Bruce’s ‘Pop Quiz’ and ruined his chances of beating his personal best (22 points).

‘Yes’, I said. ‘In this work, Hyde recounts on how Royalist troops that were captured in Birmingham were taken as prisoners to Coventry, which was a Parliamentarian stronghold. These troops were often not received warmly by the locals.’

‘Oh, really…’ TK said irritably.

‘And do you know’ I said, ruining another Ken Bruce poser, ‘ that the first known citation of the idiomatic meaningis from the Club book of the Tarporley Hunt, 1765:

‘Mr. John Barry having sent the Fox Hounds to a different place to what was ordered was sent to Coventry, but return’d upon giving six bottles of Claret to the Hunt.’

‘And your point is…?’ said TK through gritted teeth.

‘Oh nothing’, I said, at which I found myself sent to Coventry. Ah well. (He scored a miserable 14 points and festered for the rest of the day).

Day Two

We were speaking again by the time the show opened which is a good thing, given that we there to speak to people. It was a good turn out once more and the venue was great. Although why a team like Coventry needs a stadium that fancy is anybody’s guess. Once again, there was a great mix of people, not just plumbers, and we soon got into our stride. The most frequently asked questions were ‘how does it work’ and ‘how does using a power shower conserve water.’ We told one and all that it was because people spent less time in a power shower than in a dribbling, useless one and that, in fact, three people could shower in the same amount of water that would fill just one bath. This went well until one bloke from Leamington Spa explained to us that, hard as he’d tried, he had been unable to persuade two other people to shower with him to test the theory. ‘That’s not what I meant’, I said, but the guy’s eyes had already glazed over and it seemed to me that, in his mind, he had pictured his two dream co-showerers and was lost forever to our sales pitch. TK got him off the stand with by whispering quietly in his ear, ‘you wife just got home.’ Poor chap.

Back on speaking terms. Ish. T.K., (left), and me

A Question

We were asked this one three times in Coventry: ‘How can we make a shower pump installation work as quietly as possible?’ It’s a good question, and here’s TK with the answer in Today’s Top Tip.

TK’s Top Tip

Our pumps are amongst the quietest on the market and as I told you last time (weren’t you paying attention?) the Salamander RSP 50 is the quietest 1.5 shower pump on the market. But you can do your bit to make it operate even more quietly. If you can, fit the pump on rubber matting that’s placed on a concrete slab. This cuts down vibration and limits the resonance that’s caused by the sound going down into the floor void. It’s cheap and easy to do and your customers will be delighted. (If they call you at 6 in the morning to tell you their shower pump isn’t working, stay calm: It’s just that they can’t hear it).

And so to bed in a commercial hotel that looked the same as the one we’d stopped in at Bolton. No offers of some local growler though, so we had to settle for a Nepalese meal in – wait for it – Nuneaton. After the meal, the waiter was concerned because when he came to collect the plates he discovered that there was non eaten. (Geddit?)

And so we left Coventry and headed for Cheltenham. I’ll post again from there and remember, gentlemen, ‘what happens on tour, stays on tour.’

About

About.

On The Road With Big Malc and T.K.

The Renewables Roadshow Tour, 2011

Day One: The Reebok Stadium, Bolton.

Day One Eve

It’s Day One for the tour, and it’s Day One back at work for me, after two weeks of simmering gently in Spain. (That’s what happens when you let Mrs. Big Malc book the flights…) The day, (deep joy), begins with a five-hour assault course up the stretch of war-torn asphalt that is laughingly referred to as a motorway. The M6 was a nightmare.

We’re on our way to the Premier Inn down the road from the Reebok Stadium in Bolton and I have never, ever seen rain like it. If domestic water pressure was anything like that I’d be out of a job. I’m sure the car shrank en-route. But my oppo Richard (The Knowledge) Allan, (TK to you) and yours, er, irritably, Big Malc Campbell, finally make it. We get showered and then fed and watered at an excellent pub called ‘The Beehive’ . Decent pint followed by decent kip. Lovely. I’ll try to be less irritable tomorrow. (Fat chance, ED).

Day One

Big Red Is Coming…

We’re up early to sort out our stand for a ten o’clock kick off. Outside, there are lots of blokes in track suits looking nervous. That’s because Big Red are in town on Saturday, and hereabouts they like Man U like we like bursts on Boxing Day. And the reds are on the rampage too. You can smell the fear, and it’s no wonder there’s an atmosphere: it must have been like this in the forward trenches in the days leading up the The Battle of The Somme. Hard hats, anyone? I’m going indoors.

In The Trenches

In the exhibition hall now and there’s a far better buzz. There’s a cracking crowd of people at the show all apparently wondering what the hell a shower pump company is doing at a show about renewables. I tell them we’re all about minimizing water wastage whilst making water work harder in the home. ‘Ah, right’, they say, as the penny drops. (Usually).

TK is in his element. It’s not that he doesn’t like plumbers, I mean, what’s not to like? It’s just that he hardly ever gets to talk to other tradesmen and this place is crawling with every kind of tradesman you can think of. To be honest, there’s many a spark or a tiler or a what-have-you can do the business, and let’s face it, fitting a Salamander Pump is easy-peasy anyway. A child could do it. (My child can do it, but since he’s 37 years old and a time-served central heating installer, I don’t suppose you’ll be over gob smacked about that, will you?)

 

A Question

Here’s a question for you. Say you were a water company and you ran your water through the network at 4 bar, and you started to get a lot of leaks and bursts in your ageing infrastructure. Then somebody tells you that if you reduced the pressure to say, 1.5 bar, the leaking would stop. What do you do? You lower the pressure down to 1.5, that’s what you do. When will people figure that out? It’s a no brainer. If you’ve been tearing your hair out trying to overcome low mains pressure, read on…

Today’s Top TK Tip

We had quite a few conversations on the stand today about low mains pressure and the problems it can cause.  Does this ring bells with any installers out there?  Try tackling the problem using a Salamander single impellor shower pump and remember: the pump must be installed via a break tank, and not directly from the mains.

Another top TK tip next time.

The Salamander RSP 50. Is It Or Isn’t It The Quietest Shower Pump?

One smart alec today comes up to me and he says, ‘Ey up, Big Malc’, what’s the quietest shower pump on the market?’ He was trying to catch me out, which, to my mind is a diabolical liberty. You see, there’s been a bit of a hoo-hah over this, it’s what you might call a thorny issue. Anyway, I told him straight. I told him that the quietest 1.5 bar shower pump on the market today or on any other day for that matter is Salamander’s RSP 50. And, you’d hardly credit it, he goes on at me and he says ‘No it isn’t. The such-and-such a number made by whothehellarethey? is the quietest, by gum’, he says.

So I took him gently by the throat and explained that the pump in question is significantly less powerful at 1.4 bar. ‘It’s a bit like comparing Lennox Lewis with Barry McGuigan’ I informed him. He was choked. (So I let him go J)

Once and for all, just so’s we all know: The Salamander RSP 50 is the quietest 1.5 bar pump on the market. End of.

A Good Day

It was a good day. The show is attracting a lot of the kind of people that TK calls ‘quality prospects’: tradesmen of all disciplines, but all of them interested in finding ways to do a good job better, just like us.  The bad news is that as soon as we finish here we’re packing up and heading to Coventry for the next stop on our Stadium Tour. Who knows what the atmosphere will be like at The Ricoh? City are playing Derby County…

I’ll post again from Coventry on the 8^th and remember, gentlemen, ‘what happens on tour, stays on tour.’

Cheers for now

Big Malc (&TK).