Happy New Year! HomeBoost’s Up For A Major Award

Happy New Year to All My Readers!

Hope it was a good one for you?

Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Here’s how to tell: an optimist stays up to see the New Year in.  A pessimist waits up to make sure the old one leaves… Do you think that’s why Mrs Malc gets up to wave me off of a morning? To make sure I’m really going?

Hmm.

Although I’m one of life’s optimists, the year started  badly for me, I must admit. I had a doctor’s check up and I was weighed as part of it. Now, the week between Christmas and New Year was never going to be an ideal time for a weight check, was it? I thought it was going well until the doc told me ‘your weight is perfect, you’re just three feet too small.’

Ho-bloody-ho.

Enough of the nonsense already. The great New Year news is that HomeBoost™ has been short-listed for a prestigious national award. Ta’ra! (That’s a fanfare, not a Lancashire way of saying ‘bye’).

Now, much as I’m tempted to say ‘I told you so’… I do feel vindicated though. I’ve been banging on about HomeBoost™ since before its launch. It’s amazing to think that was only four months ago: it’s picked up more press coverage than most plumbing products get in four years. And now it’s up for the Technical Innovation of the Year – Products category of the 2013 Pump Industry Awards. And quite rightly, in Big Malc’s entirely unbiased view.

Why am I not surprised? (Btw, lads, I may not be surprised but I am ‘made up’: in fact, all of us at Salamander are made up with this news!) I’m not surprised because HomeBoost™ has had a fantastic reception in the marketplace. Merchants, installers and end users are all swearing by it, not at it! And no wonder: there have been literally hundreds of enquiries into the office and thousands of web visits in the past first four months since we launched HomeBoost™. What’s even better is our  sales predictions for HomeBoost™ have all been exceeded spectacularly. I mean, ‘shattered’, ‘battered’; ‘decimated’, ‘annihilated’… I’m sure you’re getting the picture.

HomeBoost™: merchants, installers and end users are all swearing by it, not at it!

The good news is that you – that’s YOU, dear reader –  can vote for HomeBoost™ in the PIA. (That’s the Pump Industry Awards, not Pakistan International Airlines).

Voting opens at the end of the week, they tell me, so when that happens I’ll let you know and link to the voting web site from here. Poor long-suffering Mrs Malc is in for a hard time cos I’ll be tweeting and posting like a good ‘un to make sure all you HomeBoost™ fans out there get the chance to have your say.

So  vote, vote, vote!

 

Talk soon

Your mate

Big Malc

Force gets WRAS Approval

Hello again dear readers, and welcome again to my Salamander shower pumps world. It’s been a mad, mad busy time for us. Home Boost has taken off like a rocket, leaving us all craning our necks and wondering what’s the next record it’ll break. Nevertheless, that’s no excuse for leaving it so long, so back to business lads!

Home Boost Videos

We’ve up-loaded a couple of really useful videos that demonstrate how effective Home Boost is, and how easy-peasy it is to install.

The first video is on You Tube here, and the second one is here.

Have a butcher’s now and tell your mates to have a look-see, too. Thanks.

Force Gets WRAS Approval

It’s not all Home Boost at Salamander, in fact The Boss was getting pumped up the other day because our brass ended regen pump range ‘Force’ finally got the nod from the nice gentlemen at WRAS, which was the cue for celebrations of cup final proportions. I kid you not. You’d have been forgiven for thinking we’d found a cure for the common cold. (You can download the Force brochure here).

I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Force has always been WRAS compliant, hasn’t it? It’s not as if we’ve been pacing up and down, chewing our nails and waiting for the jury to come back, like refugees from a John Grisham book! I mean, we all knew we’d got a serious piece of kit (that’d make a massive impact on the market) long before the men from Del Monte said ‘yes’, for goodness sake. No offence, gents.

Do A Salamander

You know all about the Force range, don’t you? No? You should. Brass ended shower pumps make up a quarter of the market and that’s why the trade kept on and on at us to come up with a new pump that would ‘do a Salamander’ in a sector of the market that’s only going to increase in importance over the next few years.

Definition: to ‘do a Salamander’ is ‘to make a shower pump with the three must-haves: Quality, Reliability and Value’. And it’s not as if ‘not a lot of people know that’, is it? (We should call our next pump the QRV 1. In fact, I quite like that, I’ll mention it to The Boss).

Big Malc’s ‘Bluffer’s Guide to Salamander Force’.

Force pumps are available single or double brass-ended and for positive or negative head situations. There are three ranges with 10 models, Force 15 for boosting single shower performance to 1.5 bar, Force 20 for more powerful 2.0 bar performance and Force 30 developing 3 bar pressure suitable for the most powerful multi-function showers and for multiple shower outlets.

We had high hopes for the Force range when we brought it out, but it really has exceeded all our expectations. The trade recognises it as a properly competitive range that’s robust, installer-friendly and, most important I suppose, the right price. And personally, I don’t think we make enough of the fact that the whole range operates at under 60db, which makes Force the quietest brass ended range on the market.

We should shout about how quiet it is!

The other thing is that Force’s WRAS approval means that Salamander’s entire portfolio of regenerative type shower pumps is now WRAS approved: if you remember, the CT Range was approved in 2011.

A New Force in the brass-ended market

Big Malc’s ‘Bluffer’s Guide to Salamander’s CT range.

Listen up: the CT Range is still Salamander’s best selling line and it continues to go from strength. The main USP is its competitiveness, both in terms of price and performance, in fact the whole QRV. (We ‘did a Salamander’ on the CT range, too!) The whole range is continuously rated; in other words, you can run a CT pump for as long as you like. They’re designed to be robust and practical and they come complete with isolating valves on the inlet couplers and brand new, ‘hall’ effect switching for improved reliability.

So now you can hold your own in the locker room, so to speak, when the chit-chat turns, as it always will, to the subject of shower pumps..

CT 50 Pump with couplers.

Home Boost Heroes

Where are you lads? I want to hear from installers who have used Home Boost to solve customers’ problems with poor water flow or water pressure, like my mate Jethro did. Step forward and I’ll get our PR department to big you up. That way, people will see how amazing Home Boost is, and you’ll get a bit of publicity that might well lead to extra business. Can’t be bad! Take a look here and see what we did for Jethro.

So, don’t be shy, make yourselves known! Just leave a comment on here: in fact, here’s a bit of text you can copy and paste into the box:

Hello there Big Malc. I’ve installed a Home Boost, my customer is delighted and I’d like a bit of free publicity for my business. So order your PR department to get in touch, here’s my contact number / e-mail address…

(You have to add your own details, what am I, clairvoyant?)

That’s it from me lads, so it’s Vaya con-dios and may you never eat your tortilla alone. And think on: insist on Salamander, where QRV comes as standard!

And get your plumbing mates to check out Ask Big Malc. Send them a link or something.

Thanks

Big Malc

This time, no answers – only questions…

Hello again dear readers

No beating about the bush this time, lads. I think it’s only fair that I speak my mind. I’m concerned about the questions you’re asking me. They’re almost all about plumbing!

I thought I’d pose some questions of my own, in order that you getter a clearer picture of the vast resources of sagacity and experience that are yours to command, courtesy of Salamander Pumps. So think on. You can ask me anything!

Try these for size, and remember, if you have any smarty-pants answers to offer, you can leave them for other readers to enjoy / laugh at / ridicule via ‘comment’.

Here goes… Ahem:

1. Do we cry underwater under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3. Why do you have to ‘put your two penn’orth in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Who’s getting that extra penny?
4. 
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
5. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
6. What disease did cured ham actually have?
7. How is it that we put man on the moon before we realised it’d be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
8. Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours?
9. If a deaf person has to go to court, why is it still called a hearing?
10. Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
12. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
13. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
14. If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
15. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? 
They’re both dogs!
16. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME rubbish, why didn’t he just buy dinner and forget the damned roadrunner?
17. Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
18. Why did you just try singing those two songs ? 


( 🙂 )
19. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
20. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are about to die?
21. Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there isn’t any money?
22. Why does someone believe you when you tell them there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
23. 
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
24. 
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
25. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
26. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
27. Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
28. If people evolved from apes, 
why are there still apes?
29. Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
30. Is there ever a day that three piece suites 
are not on sale?
31. Why do people constantly return to the fridge hoping that something new to eat will have materialized?
32. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
33. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
34. How do those dead insects get into those enclosed light fixtures?
35. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going, moron?’
36. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
37. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer, when we complained about the heat?
38. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
39. If life begins at 40, why do we start school at 5?
40. And finally, my favourite… 
The statistics on sanity tell us that one in every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

Hope I made you smile; important news coming soon.

Until then, cheers.

Big Malc

On the shower installers’ road again!

Hello again Dear Readers

Before we begin, I’ve been asked by our PR department to introduce into the blog things called ‘key words’. Apparently, if I use terms like, shower pumps, shower installers, Salamander Pumps, Plumbers and so on, then the more plumbers, shower installers, and people interested in shower pumps and Salamander pumps, will find this page when they Google or Bing, or whatever it is that they do. So, when you come across those unnecessary words and terms as you read and they, well, make no sense at all, now you know why…

This installment of the plumbing industry’s favourite shower installers’ blog finds TK and me in the middle of a seven-night stretch away from home. Pumps. That’s a week of Premier Inns and motorway service stations.

(Here’s an appropriate little song you might want to play in the back ground while you read the rest of my wise words).

It’s not all rock and roll, though. In fact, here’s the plumber’s story so far. We spent the evening of the Bank Holiday in a Bradford shower. Who could wish for more? After Bradford, we had Harrogate, then Sunderland and then Perth to look forward to. A plumbing installer’s work is never done!

(BTW, I can handle the East Coast, (cold as it is) but if The Boss thinks I’m going to Australia at the end of the week he’s got another Salamander Pumps thing coming. I’ve got a darts match to oche up for!)

We decided we’d see how many countries we could visit during the trip. Food-wise, that is. It seemed like a plumber’s good idea at the time to eat in the shower attached to the Premier Inn. It was not a wise move. Holy smoke. Not even Gordon Ramsey could save that place. I’ve eaten better left-overs.

So it wasn’t what you’d call ‘a good start’. Those plumbers!

The next night we had an enjoyable little trip to Naples, courtesy of the kind of dimly lit, chequered-tableclothed, candle-in-the-Chianti-bottle place that TK and I tend to avoid. (For obvious reasons, fellow shower installers). But the pasta was worth the odd knowing wink from the well-dressed, older, lone gentleman on the next table and the sideways glances of the waitresses.

Where’s Mrs. Malc when you need her?

Following that delightful experience wasn’t easy. But the Plumb Centre, Harrogate barbeque was right up there. Which is just as well, since there were, oh, half a dozen hungry plumbers, shower installers and Salamanders who, between them, necked an alarming 96 rashers of bacon. Blimey.

We went up to Durham that evening, to our favourite Thai restaurant. And here’s where I can have a bit of a shower installers’ moan. Do you know what I hate about most restaurants? The music. There’s a Chinese Plumber near me that really is one of the best restaurants I’ve ever showered in. The food is to die for and the service is impeccable. So, why do you think it is that Mrs. Malc and I would rather eat sweepings off a butcher’s floor than darken its doors again?

The bloody music.

They give you Abba on Pan Pipes. Every single time you go, it’s the same CD. ‘Fernando’ a la Bolivian mountain nose flute. God help us. God help them. (The restaurant has gone up for sale this week, and I can only guess why)…

In Durham that night, it was even worse. I mean, can you even imagine Simon and Garfunkel’s Greatest Hits sung in Thai? Lucky you if you can’t. It should be the Oxford English Dictionary’s definition of ‘hideous’. That’s what we had to endure. You can keep your red curry, good as it is. I’ll be in Frankie and Benny’s shower pump next time. It might be overpriced but you can’t argue with the tunes they play plumbers there. The good news is that when I got back to the hotel with my ears in shreds, ‘This Is Spinal Tap’ was on. So I turned the TV up to 11 and went in search of a courgette. Thus was the evening rescued.

Next day was spent in Head Office, having ‘meetings’, which was fun. (It says here). After the excitement we went to Weatherspoon’s, because it was ‘curry night’. We had enough curry and nan to feed a small Bengali village, washed it down with industrial quantities of weapons grade Pinot, and still got change from a £20. (Have you and TK started sucking up to The Boss? Ed.)

Woke up next morning to a knocking on the hotel door. Mrs Malc had despatched my shower installer’s ‘holiday clothes’; you know, shorts, T-shirts, sarongs; ready for my unexpected trip to Perth. It was only when I went down to breakfast looking like Magnum’s dad (in a vivid Hawaiian shirt, rugby shorts and flip-flops) that TK told me that Perth is, in fact, in Scotland. Instead of sunning myself in Oz, I’ll be within sight of the Arctic Circle. It’ll probably be Moose burgers for tea tonight. Or Salamander shower pumps with shower installers, fried and roasted.

Students Home Work: Get Smart!

This time, I’d like you guys to get smart on the features and benefits of The Force 1.5 bar twin brass ended positive and negative head universal shower pump. You can find out more by following this link. Read carefully, lads and lasses, because I’ll be asking questions next time we meet.

Nearly time to go: TK’s already outside rubbing the Audi’s tyres with shoe blacking.  Before we go, though, I’ll leave you with this. It made me laugh, hope you like it.

The Coffin
A shower installer mate of mine was walking home alone late one night when he hears a
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP… behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him

BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…

Terrified, the plumber begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing
quickly behind him …
faster…
faster…
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him. He barely has time to look at his beloved Salamander shower pump before the coffin crashes through his door, and the lid of the coffin starts clapping …
Clappity-BUMP…
Clappity-BUMP

Clappity-BUMP… on the heels of the terrified shower installer.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the plumber locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing Salamander gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door, bumping and clapping
towards him. The shower installer screams and reaches for something, anything … but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin …
… the coffin stops.

Which only goes to shower pump that a Salamander pumps installer plumber can always be relied upon to save the day?

I am so, so sorry about that joke. Send me better ones, please!

At least that little lot should shut the plumbing PR man up. More tales from the road next time! Until then, keep smiling!

Your mate at Salamander,

Big Malc

Broadening My Horizons!

Hello again Dear Readers!

The Jag Has Gone!

Before we start, I have to admit that I’m gutted. No sooner have I made TK’s massive motor, (a Jezza Jaaaag), one of the stars of my blog, he’s only gone and got rid of it. He’s replaced it with an Audi. Yes, that’s right, an Audi. Vorsprung durch technik, and all that.

An era has ended.

I’ve Been Thinking…

I’ve been having a think about this here blog. When I set out, if you remember, it was to bring you tales of our adventures On The Road. (That’s TK and me). It was only supposed to last for a few weeks, but my vast legion of fans told me, in the style of Harry Enfield:  ‘Oi, Big Malc, no! You may be the most learned and celebrated plumber and shower installation expert in all of the kingdom, upon whose every Salamander word we hang; but if you think you can deny your audience the sheer joy of your wit and experience, just so you can spend more time trimming the croquet lawn for Mrs. Malc, then don’t be surprised to wake up one day and find an ’orse’s ’ead in your duvet!’

And so, thanks to popular demand, I continued, as a provider of advice, information and pearls of wisdom, acknowledging my status as The Guru of The Shower Pump. Until now, my audience has consisted entirely of people like me; i.e. grizzled, care-worn old cynics of the plumbing trade – but things are about to change…

Broadening My Horizons

I’m broadening my horizons and from this day forth, I will admit unto my coterie of the trade’s movers and shakers those thousands upon thousands of young men and women who are, at this very moment, hard at it in the plumbing departments of colleges all over the UK and Ireland. Learning the ropes. Turning up on time. Getting their hands dirty. Doing a good job. Getting accused of over-charging. (Only joking).

We go to colleges all over the place, you know. Recently, we were in Northern Ireland. (You covered that in your last blog! – ED.) In fact, Salamander is the only shower pump company that thinks so much of tomorrow’s tradesmen that it gets off its padded behind and gets out to colleges, to meet the next generation face to face, to show them what’s what and answer their questions.

So, my vast army of students, you are welcome, every one. You can ask me anything right here on this blog; anything from ‘in this case, Big Malc, would I need a whole house pump?’ to ‘Big Malc, what can I get the girlfriend’s mum for her birthday, with only £4.97 and a credit note from Screwfix?’

I can help. In fact, if I had a theme song, it would be this… Have a watch at Billy Swan.

‘It would sure do me good to do you good, let me help’ is a good line, because that’s how I feel about all you trainees out there. However, please disregard the bit in the song about you being a part of my dreams when I go to sleep at night. I’m afraid that job’s already taken by Mrs. Malc and her friends, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Moving right along…. You might like this story, it made me think of you lot:

 

The Shredder

A plumbing apprentice was leaving the depot a bit late one night when he found The Boss standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

‘Listen’, says The Boss, ‘this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has already gone home. Can you make this thing work?’

‘Er, yes sir’, says the apprentice, who hasn’t spoken to The Boss since the day of his interview. So, shaking, he turns on the machine, inserts the document that The Boss hands him and presses the ‘start’ button.

‘Excellent’, says The Boss as the sheet of paper disappears into the machine. ‘I just need the one copy’.

Which only goes to show that you should never, ever assume that your boss knows what he’s doing…

I thought you’d like that? Oh well, never mind…

Participate

I’d really like you all to join in the spirit of this blog. You can be sure you’ll always get good advice, but we always like a good laugh. Y’see, most of us in the trade do what we do because we enjoy it, we’re good at it and we make a decent living at it. Part of a tradesman’s life is the banter with other, less talented folks than us, such as sparks and chippies and painters and decorators. (Bless em all). So, with that in mind, I’ll keep you supplied with a steady stream of gags and one-liners that’ll stand you in good stead next time you find yourself bantering buffoons on a building site.

I’m going to try to persuade The Boss to provide a bit of budget so I can reward the people who submit the best question and the best joke each month. In fact, I’ll ask him right now: well, right after he’s finished trying to work the Shredder…

Until next time, keep smiling – and get those questions in!

Your mate in the plumbing trade

Big Malc

Sam’s Leaky Pump: In Dog Years, it’s over a hundred!

Hello again dear readers.

It’s been a busy time for TK and me, we’ve been up in Scotland, over in Ireland and out of ear-shot of Mrs. Malc! So not a bad month, you might say…

TK was on his own in Newhaven recently and he was so bored he started sending me text messages: ‘Hi Malc, TK here! In Premier Inn, Newhaven, Billy No Mates as ever! There are 6 old dears on the next table trying to split the bill between them. Does it really matter who had Coke and who had water? Quite entertaining to begin with, but after an hour?’

And that’s how exciting it gets when Big Malc ain’t around. I texted back that TK should pick on the oldest and / or ugliest biddy and flirt like mad with her, just for a laugh, obviously… He didn’t reply to the text so who knows how it ended? (Probably in geriatric A&E… LOL!)

Next night, I get another text from TK: ‘In Nando’s in Durham. I’ve got a jacket and scarf on and everybody else looks like they’re heading for the beach. Edinburgh tomorrow…’

The point of this? It’s a lonely life on the road when you’re on your own. You start to send annoying texts to people. Anyhow, enough of the trials and tribulations of your favourite Salamander folks, and down to the serious business.

I’ve had this question posted on the site from Sam:

I have a Salamander BSM Twin shower pump which was fitted in December 1995.
On discovering a leak I have checked the pump and found water is leaking from the plastic housing where
 the drive shaft enters from the motor on the hot side. The hot water supply to the unit has a temperature control valve fitted.

Is it possible to get a replacement seal kit to replace the damaged seals?

Well Sam, thanks for getting in touch. Unfortunately due to the age of the pump we would be unable to provide a replacement seal kit to replace the damaged ones. So it looks like a new pump is going to be required. The nearest replacement pump for the BSM Twin would be our RHP 100, which is a Twin Impellor 3bar centrifugal whole house pump, or a Force 30pt, which is one of our new brass ended pumps.

Incidentally Sam, there may be a need for slight alteration pipe work as the BSM 3 Bar Twin was a regenerative pump.

So it looks like a new ‘un for  Sam. But his question got me thinking. A 17 year-old pump that has been doing the business all that time has now died, I wonder what 17 is in ‘Pump years’? We talk about Doggie years and Cat years don’t we?

If a cat reached the age of 17 (and I understand that this has been known), we refer to a ‘cat year’ equivalent. I’ve just been on the InterWeb and it seems that a 17-year-old cat is 85 in human years. (So I’m not surprised there’s been a bit of leakage… I remember my Granddad when he hit 85… Not nice).

Similarly, calculating in Doggie years, the leaking pump would be over 100 years old. That’s puddles-on-the-kitchen-floor age, for sure, whether you are man or beast. (Granddad never made it that far). All in all, I think we should celebrate the life of Sam’s pump, maybe write to Buck House and ask Her Madge to send a telegram?

So, come on lads, what’s your interpretation of ‘pump shower’ years? And what’s the oldest Salamander Pump you know to be doing the business still? Let me know!

Time For A Laugh

Not about plumbers this time, but a tradesman further down the food chain, namely a painter and decorator…

There was a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making an extra penny wherever he could, so he would often thin down paint to make it go a tad farther. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job and repainting was part of the brief. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I’m sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold, to land in the graveyard surrounded by tell-tale puddles of thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke…

“Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!!!!”

Yes, that’s the standard we’re aiming at chaps. Got any better jokes? Tell me and I’ll use them. I might even credit you for it!

A well, that’s it for now. Until next time,

Keep smiling!

Your mate at Salamander, Big Malc.

Leaky Pump? You Sure It’s The Right Pump For The Job?

Hello again out there!

I’ve come over all prolific – they can’t touch you for it – so here’s another issue fast on the heels of the last. I’m really building up a head of steam! (Where my hair used to be 🙂 )

The truth is not that I’m beginning to see myself as an authoritative blogist, but that there’s been another interesting question come through in the last couple of days and I thought the answer might be of wider interest, so here goes: The question comes from Noel:

My pump started leaking water last week. It is a RSP 100 3.0 Bar. It was servicing the whole house showers, taps, toilets etc. From your Pumpwise chart it suggests that this pump type is not suitable for this application. My pump is 4 years old. My query is if the fault is minor and this pump can be fixed is it o.k to reinstall it? What are the potential pitfalls of doing this.

First of all, Noel, sorry to hear you’re having difficulties and thanks for getting in touch, it’s much appreciated.

You’re quite correct that the pump is not suitable for a whole house situation, the pump you’ve fitted (RSP 100) is a shower specific model. The correct pump would be a RHP 100, which has an inbuilt by-pass tube to allow the pump to run closed head one side when filling a bath for example with hot or cold water separately or other outlets.

Pumps generally leak because of incorrect installation or possibly in this case the wrong pump for the application.

You’ve not been specific as to where the leak is coming from on the pump. Repair kits are available, but we can’t guarantee it’ll be 100% effective. The repair can be a little tricky and even if it works, you would only have the same problems in the future  as you’re having now, i.e. the wrong pump for the job.

Your best option would be to call the Salamander helpdesk & ask for a TIR (trade in replacement). This is where we can offer you the right pump, (RHP 100), at a reduced cost against your old pump. You can also check and go through the plumbing system to check that the pump installation is correct over the phone with one of our advisors.

I hope this helps, Noel, and let me say as always that our technical helpline number, 0191 516 2002, is available free of charge to all Salamander customers. Thanks for choosing a Salamander pump.

Now let’s lighten up.

Got a little time on your hands? Take a look at this amazing video of plumbing disasters. You’ll never complain about your apprentice again. (BTW, sorry about the dodgy disco soundtrack. I’d have chosen a little Val Doonican number myself, but that’s why I’m a plumber, not a DJ).

And now, for all those of my generation out there, a word of warning. Smart alecks everywhere are targeting us senior surfers with the following re-hash of an old prayer. I bring it to you so’s you know what to expect. You should have time to decide on your personal response should you receive this distressing e-mail: if not, I suggest you reply with the word, ‘flibberty-gibbet’. This means nothing at all but it will confirm your colleague’s worst fears and it might help if you’re after early retirement. Ahem:

The Sixty – Something’s Prayer…

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Amen to that.

On The Road

FYI, TK and Yours Truly have been invited to present at the 2012 NAPT conference again in June. So see to it that you come along and say ‘hello’.

Last but not least, it’s another Chuckle for the Road – and this one’s as true as I’m riding this camel.

 

The Talking Dog

 A plumber turns up at a customer’s house to install an all-singing-all-dancing Salamander CT 50 – (now with WRAS approval, (thank-you very much)), when he notices a sign in the garden of the house next door. ‘The sign says: ‘For Sale, Talking Dog.’

He thinks ‘I’m not having this’, so he rings the bell and the owner comes out and tells him the dog is in the back garden.

So sure enough, the plumber goes into the backyard and sees a scruffy black mongrel just sitting there.
“Do you really talk?” he asks.
“Do you really install showers?” the dog replies.
Unperturbed, our hero asks him “OK, Talking Dog, so, what’s your story?”
The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about it, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined a dog could be eavesdropping. I was one of the UK’s most valuable spies eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. “I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals. Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I’m just retired. Taking it easy, long leisurely walks, squirrel chasing, that sort of thing.”

The plumber is amazed. It’s as if he’s just seen a CENSORED BY ED price list J He goes in to the house and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, “Ten quid.”
The plumber says, “But this dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Cause he’s a liar. He’s never done any of that stuff … “

Arf, arf… Yes, no? So send me better jokes, then!

Until next time, keep smiling

Your mate at Salamander,

Big Malc

An Auspiciousless Beginning, but a Happy New Year Anyway!

Hello again, dear readers, and sorry for the delay in posting, which I should call a ‘hiatus’. By this I mean a pause, or a break in service due to extreme circumstances, most of which were called ‘Christmas’.

(‘Hiatus’ is not to be confused, of course, with a ‘hiatus hernia’, or ‘hiatal hernia’ which, as any plumber or shower installer who’s worth his time-and-a-half can tell you, is the protrusion (or herniation) of the upper part of the stomach into the thorax, through a tear or weakness in the diaphragm. This blog is not called ‘Ask Big Malc’ for nothing, you know;-) )

It all kicked off on Boxing Day, appropriately enough, when I walked into our front parlour and proudly told Mrs. Malc, ‘I’m a twit.’ This ‘news’, quite obviously, had come as no surprise to Mrs. Malc, who, with a look of undiluted loathing, went back to her bomb-making. (Only joking!) Undeterred by her shameless demonstration of complete ‘couldn’t-care-lessness’, I soldiered on, as plumbers do. ‘Look here’ I said, sticking the old Blackberry under her hooter. (That’s her nose, FYI US readers. Ed.)

‘Oh, you mean you’re a twitterer?’ she said. (Without looking at me! Gordon Bennett, it gets my goat every time that does! Does your missus do that ‘I-just-can’t-bear-to- look-at-you’ thing too?) Anyway. She goes: ‘so you’ll be perched on your chair tweeting all evening will you? You might as well be a bloody budgie.’

Anyway: in the wrong or in the right, who cares, matrimonially speaking? What would you do, if your missus was like Mine Indoors?

Any road up: it was humble pie that night for me for tea, so you might say my career as an International Twitterer on all things Salamander Shower Pump got off to an auspiciousless beginning.

But it’s the future of advertising, lads, and I’m getting the hang of it now and no mistake. I can RT and hash-tag and all kinds of other stuff that’s peaking and trending! So, why don’t you sign up for a Twitter account, too, and follow me, Big Malc @fromSalamander. That’s me! If there’s anything happens as regards Salamander products, events and what have you, you get the info and links to any back up info there first, plus up-dates whenever I, er, up-date the blog thing, ‘Ask Big Malc’, which you’re reading now, so you already know that bit.

Going to quit while I’m winning. See you on Twitter, bye for now and best wishes for a ‘raking it in’ New Year.

Your mate at Salamander

Big Malc

If You See Captain Leaky, Will You Tell Him?

Hope this latest post finds you well. I’ll be bringing you some important breaking news right here soon. Well, as soon as it all gets signed off by the powers that be and made all officially official, if you see what I mean.

As I’m not sure when that will come to pass, I thought I’d share a couple of gags I found on the Interthingy recently and, while I’m at it, remind you that we’re trying to get in touch with a contributor to several on-line plumbing forums. We like the cut of his jib, so to speak, so if you know him, please ask him to get in touch. Thanks. And Captain Leaky, if youre reading this, thanks for the kind comments, we couldn’t agree more 🙂

Ahem. The gags:

A proud father was showing a new neighbour a picture of his five grown sons. The newbie asked what they all did for a living. The father said the older two are doctors and the youngest two are lawyers. The friend asked about the middle son and the father said, “Oh, he installs Salamander shower pumps. Someone had to pay for all the others’ education.’

You have to admit that’s a half decent one, don’t you? Ok, please yourself.

And by the way, what do plumbers and doctors have in common? They both bury their mistakes

And before I go on my tea break, how many plumbers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Well, it takes three: a boss plumber to tell a plumber, a plumber to tell a plumber’s apprentice, a plumber’s apprentice to get his sparky friend to do it as a foreigner. (Yes, I wish, too)

That’s it for now and remember, brother Salamander installer, a good flush beats a full house every time.

Back soon

 

Big Malc.

If you know our prizewinners, can you tell them they’re here please?

Here I am, cap in hand, asking for help. Its all about our the winners of our quarterly prize draw…

A few prize specimens for you…

We wouldn’t blame you if you thought our monthly prize draw was nothing more than a figment of our imagination: up to now, we’ve been good at getting you to enter but not quite so good at telling you who won. So, we’re putting that right now. And to those of you who suspected there was no prize at all, and that the quarterly draw was nothing more than a cynical device for data capture, we say, ‘how very dare you’.

Can you help me out? By way of an experiment really; if you know and of the guys pictured here, can you let them know we’ve made them stars? Maybe you use the same supplier, or you’re a former colleague / employee; maybe you just know a plumber in the winner’s neck of the woods who you can forward this to? It’d be interesting to find out how far (and how fast!) my words of wisdom can travel. Thanks.

Here they are, then, our recent prize-winners, complete with the spoils of victory…

Andy Cottey

This One's Mine! Andy Cottey's Force 20PT is destined for his place...

Andy Cottey lives in Chard, Somerset and uses Plumb Center in Yeovil for most of his supplies. He’s not a shower pump user as a rule as he majors on central heating. Fitting it at home eh, Andy? Let me know how the installation went and how the pump’s been preforming, will you Andy? And if you know Andy, will you ask him to get in touch via the blog. Thanks.

Sean Feeny

Sean spent hours looking for the best location for his photo shoot... Not!

This is a fellow by the name of Sean Feeny.And that is all I know. And who is the bloke in the foreground for heaven’s sake? If anybody out there can tell me anything about the fortunate Mr. Feeny, or who the by-stander is, I’d appreciate it.

Phil Bedwell

Not sure if Phil's just been given the pump or he's taking it for a walk

Phil’s firm is H & B Plumbing and Heating, Rodborough near Stroud. Phil’s  Salamander pump of choice is the CT50, he usually picks them up from Plumb Center or Dougfield in Stroud. He’s a bit of a party pooper though.’I  had a job lined up to use the pump in’ he told our VIP courier, ‘but unfortunately the client has just passed away.’ Amazing. Do you know, there are people dying now that have never died before…

Mr. Botenne

Another happy winner!

Before the compaints begin, this chap’s not getting special treatment when I call him ‘Mister.’ He’s Mr. because I don’t know his surname. I do know that he comes from West London. So, who knows him? Who can put us in touch? I’m relying on you!

At last, we’re done. In future, we’ll post our winners pics as soon as we have them. With a bit of luck, obviously.

Cheers for now

Big Malc