Hello again Dear Readers!
The Jag Has Gone!
Before we start, I have to admit that I’m gutted. No sooner have I made TK’s massive motor, (a Jezza Jaaaag), one of the stars of my blog, he’s only gone and got rid of it. He’s replaced it with an Audi. Yes, that’s right, an Audi. Vorsprung durch technik, and all that.
An era has ended.
I’ve Been Thinking…
I’ve been having a think about this here blog. When I set out, if you remember, it was to bring you tales of our adventures On The Road. (That’s TK and me). It was only supposed to last for a few weeks, but my vast legion of fans told me, in the style of Harry Enfield: ‘Oi, Big Malc, no! You may be the most learned and celebrated plumber and shower installation expert in all of the kingdom, upon whose every Salamander word we hang; but if you think you can deny your audience the sheer joy of your wit and experience, just so you can spend more time trimming the croquet lawn for Mrs. Malc, then don’t be surprised to wake up one day and find an ’orse’s ’ead in your duvet!’
And so, thanks to popular demand, I continued, as a provider of advice, information and pearls of wisdom, acknowledging my status as The Guru of The Shower Pump. Until now, my audience has consisted entirely of people like me; i.e. grizzled, care-worn old cynics of the plumbing trade – but things are about to change…
Broadening My Horizons
I’m broadening my horizons and from this day forth, I will admit unto my coterie of the trade’s movers and shakers those thousands upon thousands of young men and women who are, at this very moment, hard at it in the plumbing departments of colleges all over the UK and Ireland. Learning the ropes. Turning up on time. Getting their hands dirty. Doing a good job. Getting accused of over-charging. (Only joking).
We go to colleges all over the place, you know. Recently, we were in Northern Ireland. (You covered that in your last blog! – ED.) In fact, Salamander is the only shower pump company that thinks so much of tomorrow’s tradesmen that it gets off its padded behind and gets out to colleges, to meet the next generation face to face, to show them what’s what and answer their questions.
So, my vast army of students, you are welcome, every one. You can ask me anything right here on this blog; anything from ‘in this case, Big Malc, would I need a whole house pump?’ to ‘Big Malc, what can I get the girlfriend’s mum for her birthday, with only £4.97 and a credit note from Screwfix?’
I can help. In fact, if I had a theme song, it would be this… Have a watch at Billy Swan.
‘It would sure do me good to do you good, let me help’ is a good line, because that’s how I feel about all you trainees out there. However, please disregard the bit in the song about you being a part of my dreams when I go to sleep at night. I’m afraid that job’s already taken by Mrs. Malc and her friends, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Moving right along…. You might like this story, it made me think of you lot:
The Shredder
A plumbing apprentice was leaving the depot a bit late one night when he found The Boss standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
‘Listen’, says The Boss, ‘this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has already gone home. Can you make this thing work?’
‘Er, yes sir’, says the apprentice, who hasn’t spoken to The Boss since the day of his interview. So, shaking, he turns on the machine, inserts the document that The Boss hands him and presses the ‘start’ button.
‘Excellent’, says The Boss as the sheet of paper disappears into the machine. ‘I just need the one copy’.
Which only goes to show that you should never, ever assume that your boss knows what he’s doing…
I thought you’d like that? Oh well, never mind…
Participate
I’d really like you all to join in the spirit of this blog. You can be sure you’ll always get good advice, but we always like a good laugh. Y’see, most of us in the trade do what we do because we enjoy it, we’re good at it and we make a decent living at it. Part of a tradesman’s life is the banter with other, less talented folks than us, such as sparks and chippies and painters and decorators. (Bless em all). So, with that in mind, I’ll keep you supplied with a steady stream of gags and one-liners that’ll stand you in good stead next time you find yourself bantering buffoons on a building site.
I’m going to try to persuade The Boss to provide a bit of budget so I can reward the people who submit the best question and the best joke each month. In fact, I’ll ask him right now: well, right after he’s finished trying to work the Shredder…
Until next time, keep smiling – and get those questions in!
Your mate in the plumbing trade
Big Malc
askbigmalc 